Nonviolent Communication Word Choice for Expectations: Finding Alternatives to "Expectation"
The word "expectation" in communication, while seemingly innocuous, can often carry a subtle yet powerful charge. It can imply pressure, judgment, and a sense of entitlement, all of which are antithetical to the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication. This article explores alternative phrasing that promotes empathy, understanding, and genuine connection.
Instead of using "expectation," which can easily create defensiveness, we can use language that focuses on our needs and observations without placing blame or demands on others. This shift in perspective is central to NVC.
What are the problems with using the word "expectation"?
One of the primary issues with using "expectation" is its inherent judgmental tone. When we say someone "didn't meet our expectations," we implicitly criticize their actions and create a distance between ourselves and them. It positions us as the judge and them as the judged, hindering genuine connection and collaboration. Furthermore, "expectation" often implies a pre-determined outcome, limiting flexibility and adaptability in relationships.
What are some alternatives to the word "expectation"?
Here are some phrases that align more closely with the principles of Nonviolent Communication, focusing on needs and observations:
- Instead of: "I expect you to be on time."
- Try: "When you're late, I feel anxious because I need punctuality to manage my schedule effectively." (Observational statement + Feeling + Need)
- Instead of: "I expected more from you."
- Try: "I'm feeling disappointed because I valued a different outcome. I would appreciate it if [Specific Request]." (Feeling + Observation + Request)
- Instead of: "It's my expectation that you'll help with chores."
- Try: "I'm feeling overwhelmed with chores and would really appreciate your help. Could you [Specific Request]?" (Feeling + Observation + Request)
- Instead of: "I had an expectation that the project would be completed by Friday."
- Try: "I'm feeling stressed because I need the project completed by Friday to meet a deadline. Is there anything preventing this from happening?" (Feeling + Observation + Request for information)
- Instead of: "My expectation was that you'd call."
- Try: "I felt worried when I didn't hear from you, because I need to feel connected and informed. In the future, could we [Establish a communication plan]?" (Feeling + Observation + Request)
How does reframing expectations enhance communication?
By replacing "expectation" with language that focuses on our feelings and needs, we create a space for genuine connection and understanding. Instead of demanding compliance, we invite collaboration by expressing our vulnerabilities and needs. This approach promotes empathy and reduces the likelihood of conflict.
What if someone repeatedly fails to meet my needs?
Even using NVC's framework, situations arise where others consistently fail to meet expressed needs. In these scenarios, it's crucial to focus on the impact their actions have on you, not labeling them as wrong or failing to meet expectations. For example:
"When you repeatedly miss our deadlines, I feel concerned about the project's success, and I'm worried about my reputation. How can we work together to find a solution that addresses my needs for timely completion?"
By addressing our vulnerabilities honestly and requesting solutions, we invite more constructive and empathetic responses rather than creating an adversarial environment. Remember, NVC is a process, requiring continuous practice and self-reflection to master.
By consciously choosing our words, we can significantly transform our interactions and build more harmonious relationships. The shift away from "expectation" is a key step towards more compassionate and effective communication.
